Bystanders can be heroes.
Bystanders can be heroes but it begins early in their lives. Stories are shared by people everyday about a stranger who came along and intervened in an otherwise horrible situation. Just as many bystanders and witnesses attribute their apprehension about stepping stepping in to very similar reasons. This page will discuss the qualities of a bystander, the reasons they give for not intervening and the easy steps parents can take early in a child's life to foster the characteristics shared by many of those select people who do intervene.
An image from the Los Angeles Riots following the Rodney King not guilty verdicts of a clergyman standing over a beating victim praying and appealing for peace personifes the characteristic of the bystander as hero but it is not the usual image associated with bystanders. Bystanders tend to be disengaged with the bullying event but see it as wrong and want to do something about it. This is the single most important quality separating the bystanders from the bystander "hero."
According to The Bullying Circle paradigm created by Daniel Olweus and featured in Barbara Coloroso's book, The bully, the bullied and the bystander (2003), bystanders fall into two categories: those who see the event as wrong and disapprove and those who see it, disapprove and do something about it. A study done by Pepler and Craig (1995) found that peers intervened in only 13 percent of bullying events. So what are some of the reasons bystanders do not intervene?
Studies show four common reasons that bystanders often do not intervene:
(1) The bystander is afraid of getting hurt. Not a bad concern for young children but in the high and middle schools it can be a life-altering choice for the bystander who intervenes.
My response: A bystander not intervening because he or she might get hurt themselves may not feel they have the backing and support of the entire school and that is problematic. Schools must be proactive, clear and unambiguous in their bully prevention program(s). Also, studies show that bully intervention is most effective in larger numbers. In other words, if a child wants to step in and feels they have one, two, three or more bystanders who will step forward with them - they are more likely to intervene and less likely to get hurt.
(2) The bystander fears becoming the new target of the bully. The instinct for self-preservation can be the motivating factor behind this reason for not intervening. If the bully has a reputation for this behavior and he or she has already found a target then why turn the spotlight on yourself? The decision makes sense.
My response: The school culture should be one of intolerance for bullying and ensuring a safe, positive learning environment where a bully would feel uncomfortable displaying the bullying behaviors because no one approves and there are no "henchman" or "onlookers" who encourage the behavior. But a change in culture cannot end there. I believe the recent research that supports the notion that most bullies are bullied themselves and the bullying circle can create new bullies. Therefore, changing the culture of the school includes resolving the issues that contribute to the development of bullying behaviors in children. Currently, most schools respond to bullies by expelling them from school. But this canned, knee-jerk response may result in the child spending more time in an environment in which they are bullied and this can have devastating results at the time, and when the child eventually (hopefully) begins school again. This comprehensive approach to dealing with bullies and bullying means teaching families and caregivers how to be authoritative; involving children in decision-making, developing autonomy and a sense of responsibility for their behavior(s).
(3) The bystander may be afraid that saying something will make the situation worse. Makes sense, especially if the bystander has been in an environment where "snitching" or "tattling" has a negative connotation and can make matters worse for the target and the bystander.
My response: I understand this position from a couple different perspectives. If a child tells, they can be stigmatized as a snitch or tattletale - children of any age do not want to be reviled for this tattling behavior. But early on in school, and maybe at home if children have siblings, a distinction should be made between "tattling" and "reporting". Tattling is often done because one child wants to get another child "in trouble." A child may come to the teacher and say, "________ is keeping all the blocks." Although this may be true, the child is trying to get another child in trouble rather than use the skills of conflict resolution to resolve the issue (i.e., maybe you can use half the blocks and I can use the other half ) or, learn the lesson that if a child says "no," that is a resolution to the first child's issue and the end of the discussion. If an adult wants to intervene to "teach" about sharing, then it is certainly within their prerogative - but most children, especially by school-age, understand and know about sharing but don't want to share. An aside: it's humorous to me that adults will stress sharing in their children but would walk past a panhandler asking for change or would look strangely at someone who wanted to share their car, their watch, or any other of their "toys." To conclude, reporting on the other hand, is telling on someone to keep them out of trouble or prevent something bad from happening. If a child is playing with a sharp object, another child "telling" on them is not tattling to get them into trouble - it is reporting in order to keep them safe. If a child is bullying someone else and a bystander chooses to run and tell a teacher, they aren't tattling, they are reporting to keep a) the target safe and b) the bully from getting themselves into trouble.
(4) The bystander does not know what to do to intervene positively and effectively. This common response makes sense since few people think of intervention skills when they think of what to prepare their children for as they grow and develop. But the qualities that compel a person to step in when they see abusive behavior goes beyond just teaching skills to a person, it involves being a role model, purposefully teaching intervention skills and fostering a responsibility to others.
My response: Authoritative parenting is NOT, "hierarchical, bureaucratic or violent" (Coloroso, 2003). In truth, authoritative parenting is loving, interdependent, empathetic and compassionate. Authoritative parenting is also not dictatorial nor does it demand respect. In fact, it is collaborative and models, teaches and exchanges respect for themselves and for others. It is easy to see the characteristics of a bully emerge from the authoritarian family: lack of empathy, violence, hierarchy and the perception of independence.
For parents, caregivers and teachers, this means teaching empathy, compassion and respect by modeling those behaviors and not imposing rules and compliance through force and control but by facilitation, patience and collaboration. As a classroom teacher, I always incorporated the children's perceptions and suggestions when we made the set of classroom rules at the beginning of the year. But we revisited them as necessary when events occurred and a child would say we needed a class meeting to modify a classroom rule. Honestly, it is much more expedient to just set the rules myself and enforce them with an iron-fist (in teacher preparation, I remember being told this approach was called "don't smile 'til Christmas" - because you can always loosen your control over children as the year progresses but it is much more difficult to reel them back in if you have no control), but force and control do not teach the vital character qualities like accountability, empathy, autonomy, conflict resolution, critical thinking and decision-making.
Most research shows that bullying events happen in the nooks and crannies of children's lives. They happen in the school bathroom, the nooks of the playground and when children go to and from school. Rarely do they happen directly in front of adults. This is the reason why, if bullying is to stop, we must include children in the prevention and reporting of bullying events. But you can see from the preceding information that young people have very legitimate reasons for not intervening.
Children and young people have expressed the reasons why they should NOT report a bully but there are very good reasons TO report bullying: it saves lives - in 2011, dozens of children committed suicide as a result of the bullying they suffered, others took the life of their bully while the vast majority never said a thing and suffer in silence every day. In addition, intervention creates a ripple effect of empathy and respect and, affirms the most positive qualities of people.
The first step, even if your child does not show signs of being a target (see Olweus for characteristics of the bully-target), is to begin talking about bullying. In recent years, statistics have repeatedly shown that over 80% of children in our K-12 schools have experienced bullying as a target or bystander. They have experiences about which they can talk to you and discuss the issues involved in bullying. The main point is getting young people to feel safe and open with the adults in their lives and this means the adults have to withhold judgment and just listen. But once the open relationship is fostered, the very intentional steps to helping a bystander become a proactive, strong, moral, confident person with integrity begin.
Keys to raising a child with positive, empathic morals were featured in a book by psychologists Michael Schulman and Eva Mekler (Coloroso, 2003):
(1) Teach your child that he and only he is responsible for the consequences of his actions.
Most children who are held responsible for their behavior will live up to their moral code. This
strong responsibility to their moral code will enable them to stand up when others look away.
(2) Build your child's confidence in his or her ability to make good decisions. This trait comes
early on in life (as illustrated by Erik Erikson's, autonomy v. guilt and self-doubt) and
can be fostered by allowing children to make decisions, praise them on their ability to make
good decisions and then support them through the results process. Children who are confident
in their decision making skills and will hold themselves responsible for whatever results come
are less likely to be pressured into not reporting bullying behavior(s).
(3) Teach your child how to evaluate reasons on his or her own. When many people who have
intervened in bullying events were interviewed, they played off the idea that they are heroes
and report that they intervened because it was the "right thing to do." Teaching your child to
think critically and evaluate reasons on their own will make them less passive in their responses
to social situations and more resistant to "passive acceptance of orders" (Coloroso, 2003).
* A point to remember in teaching these keys is that the source of the "right thing to do" must have a compassionate, empathetic, and positive personality. In other words, the person teaching, "the right thing to do", shouldn't be of the opinion that the right thing to do is to punch the bully because if you fight back it will show the bully you are no pushover. All of these keys to moral development should come from an adult in an authoritative position (as discussed earlier).
In conclusion, William Burroughs once wrote that, "there are no innocent bystanders" (Coloroso, 2003). In some senses that may be true; in preventing bullying - it is the key. Provide children with the opportunities to develop the personality traits that foster autonomy, confidence and critical thinking. Combine this education with the practical skills: the words to say, role playing moments when their skills will come in to play and discussing the children's responses and alternative responses to the scenarios will contribute to the development of a child who will become more than a bystander, they will become a bystander hero.
An image from the Los Angeles Riots following the Rodney King not guilty verdicts of a clergyman standing over a beating victim praying and appealing for peace personifes the characteristic of the bystander as hero but it is not the usual image associated with bystanders. Bystanders tend to be disengaged with the bullying event but see it as wrong and want to do something about it. This is the single most important quality separating the bystanders from the bystander "hero."
According to The Bullying Circle paradigm created by Daniel Olweus and featured in Barbara Coloroso's book, The bully, the bullied and the bystander (2003), bystanders fall into two categories: those who see the event as wrong and disapprove and those who see it, disapprove and do something about it. A study done by Pepler and Craig (1995) found that peers intervened in only 13 percent of bullying events. So what are some of the reasons bystanders do not intervene?
Studies show four common reasons that bystanders often do not intervene:
(1) The bystander is afraid of getting hurt. Not a bad concern for young children but in the high and middle schools it can be a life-altering choice for the bystander who intervenes.
My response: A bystander not intervening because he or she might get hurt themselves may not feel they have the backing and support of the entire school and that is problematic. Schools must be proactive, clear and unambiguous in their bully prevention program(s). Also, studies show that bully intervention is most effective in larger numbers. In other words, if a child wants to step in and feels they have one, two, three or more bystanders who will step forward with them - they are more likely to intervene and less likely to get hurt.
(2) The bystander fears becoming the new target of the bully. The instinct for self-preservation can be the motivating factor behind this reason for not intervening. If the bully has a reputation for this behavior and he or she has already found a target then why turn the spotlight on yourself? The decision makes sense.
My response: The school culture should be one of intolerance for bullying and ensuring a safe, positive learning environment where a bully would feel uncomfortable displaying the bullying behaviors because no one approves and there are no "henchman" or "onlookers" who encourage the behavior. But a change in culture cannot end there. I believe the recent research that supports the notion that most bullies are bullied themselves and the bullying circle can create new bullies. Therefore, changing the culture of the school includes resolving the issues that contribute to the development of bullying behaviors in children. Currently, most schools respond to bullies by expelling them from school. But this canned, knee-jerk response may result in the child spending more time in an environment in which they are bullied and this can have devastating results at the time, and when the child eventually (hopefully) begins school again. This comprehensive approach to dealing with bullies and bullying means teaching families and caregivers how to be authoritative; involving children in decision-making, developing autonomy and a sense of responsibility for their behavior(s).
(3) The bystander may be afraid that saying something will make the situation worse. Makes sense, especially if the bystander has been in an environment where "snitching" or "tattling" has a negative connotation and can make matters worse for the target and the bystander.
My response: I understand this position from a couple different perspectives. If a child tells, they can be stigmatized as a snitch or tattletale - children of any age do not want to be reviled for this tattling behavior. But early on in school, and maybe at home if children have siblings, a distinction should be made between "tattling" and "reporting". Tattling is often done because one child wants to get another child "in trouble." A child may come to the teacher and say, "________ is keeping all the blocks." Although this may be true, the child is trying to get another child in trouble rather than use the skills of conflict resolution to resolve the issue (i.e., maybe you can use half the blocks and I can use the other half ) or, learn the lesson that if a child says "no," that is a resolution to the first child's issue and the end of the discussion. If an adult wants to intervene to "teach" about sharing, then it is certainly within their prerogative - but most children, especially by school-age, understand and know about sharing but don't want to share. An aside: it's humorous to me that adults will stress sharing in their children but would walk past a panhandler asking for change or would look strangely at someone who wanted to share their car, their watch, or any other of their "toys." To conclude, reporting on the other hand, is telling on someone to keep them out of trouble or prevent something bad from happening. If a child is playing with a sharp object, another child "telling" on them is not tattling to get them into trouble - it is reporting in order to keep them safe. If a child is bullying someone else and a bystander chooses to run and tell a teacher, they aren't tattling, they are reporting to keep a) the target safe and b) the bully from getting themselves into trouble.
(4) The bystander does not know what to do to intervene positively and effectively. This common response makes sense since few people think of intervention skills when they think of what to prepare their children for as they grow and develop. But the qualities that compel a person to step in when they see abusive behavior goes beyond just teaching skills to a person, it involves being a role model, purposefully teaching intervention skills and fostering a responsibility to others.
My response: Authoritative parenting is NOT, "hierarchical, bureaucratic or violent" (Coloroso, 2003). In truth, authoritative parenting is loving, interdependent, empathetic and compassionate. Authoritative parenting is also not dictatorial nor does it demand respect. In fact, it is collaborative and models, teaches and exchanges respect for themselves and for others. It is easy to see the characteristics of a bully emerge from the authoritarian family: lack of empathy, violence, hierarchy and the perception of independence.
For parents, caregivers and teachers, this means teaching empathy, compassion and respect by modeling those behaviors and not imposing rules and compliance through force and control but by facilitation, patience and collaboration. As a classroom teacher, I always incorporated the children's perceptions and suggestions when we made the set of classroom rules at the beginning of the year. But we revisited them as necessary when events occurred and a child would say we needed a class meeting to modify a classroom rule. Honestly, it is much more expedient to just set the rules myself and enforce them with an iron-fist (in teacher preparation, I remember being told this approach was called "don't smile 'til Christmas" - because you can always loosen your control over children as the year progresses but it is much more difficult to reel them back in if you have no control), but force and control do not teach the vital character qualities like accountability, empathy, autonomy, conflict resolution, critical thinking and decision-making.
Most research shows that bullying events happen in the nooks and crannies of children's lives. They happen in the school bathroom, the nooks of the playground and when children go to and from school. Rarely do they happen directly in front of adults. This is the reason why, if bullying is to stop, we must include children in the prevention and reporting of bullying events. But you can see from the preceding information that young people have very legitimate reasons for not intervening.
Children and young people have expressed the reasons why they should NOT report a bully but there are very good reasons TO report bullying: it saves lives - in 2011, dozens of children committed suicide as a result of the bullying they suffered, others took the life of their bully while the vast majority never said a thing and suffer in silence every day. In addition, intervention creates a ripple effect of empathy and respect and, affirms the most positive qualities of people.
The first step, even if your child does not show signs of being a target (see Olweus for characteristics of the bully-target), is to begin talking about bullying. In recent years, statistics have repeatedly shown that over 80% of children in our K-12 schools have experienced bullying as a target or bystander. They have experiences about which they can talk to you and discuss the issues involved in bullying. The main point is getting young people to feel safe and open with the adults in their lives and this means the adults have to withhold judgment and just listen. But once the open relationship is fostered, the very intentional steps to helping a bystander become a proactive, strong, moral, confident person with integrity begin.
Keys to raising a child with positive, empathic morals were featured in a book by psychologists Michael Schulman and Eva Mekler (Coloroso, 2003):
(1) Teach your child that he and only he is responsible for the consequences of his actions.
Most children who are held responsible for their behavior will live up to their moral code. This
strong responsibility to their moral code will enable them to stand up when others look away.
(2) Build your child's confidence in his or her ability to make good decisions. This trait comes
early on in life (as illustrated by Erik Erikson's, autonomy v. guilt and self-doubt) and
can be fostered by allowing children to make decisions, praise them on their ability to make
good decisions and then support them through the results process. Children who are confident
in their decision making skills and will hold themselves responsible for whatever results come
are less likely to be pressured into not reporting bullying behavior(s).
(3) Teach your child how to evaluate reasons on his or her own. When many people who have
intervened in bullying events were interviewed, they played off the idea that they are heroes
and report that they intervened because it was the "right thing to do." Teaching your child to
think critically and evaluate reasons on their own will make them less passive in their responses
to social situations and more resistant to "passive acceptance of orders" (Coloroso, 2003).
* A point to remember in teaching these keys is that the source of the "right thing to do" must have a compassionate, empathetic, and positive personality. In other words, the person teaching, "the right thing to do", shouldn't be of the opinion that the right thing to do is to punch the bully because if you fight back it will show the bully you are no pushover. All of these keys to moral development should come from an adult in an authoritative position (as discussed earlier).
In conclusion, William Burroughs once wrote that, "there are no innocent bystanders" (Coloroso, 2003). In some senses that may be true; in preventing bullying - it is the key. Provide children with the opportunities to develop the personality traits that foster autonomy, confidence and critical thinking. Combine this education with the practical skills: the words to say, role playing moments when their skills will come in to play and discussing the children's responses and alternative responses to the scenarios will contribute to the development of a child who will become more than a bystander, they will become a bystander hero.