The Fallacy of the Mini-Me Approach to Parenting
Recently, I have been putting myself out there regarding issues written about and commented on by people on Twitter, Facebook and websites. I am shocked by the vitriolic responses by people when you say something that they don't like - and no, not just men, women are almost as vile, angry and aggressive. I suppose it is the safety of internet anonymity. Nevertheless, about two weeks ago the opportunity to respond to a website's posting of a video on Facebook prompted an exchange that made me bluntly aware of what people go through - especially those who do it as a profession. I will say this, if I were a tween, or vulnerable teen or adult and was fed this heaping helping of anger, hate and violence, I might be depressed, saddened and feel threatened. But I'm not. Further, among the commenters on this page, came people criticizing the violent people saying they are "bullies" talking about how to deal with "bullies" which is hypocritical. Let me say clearly, by definition, I am not bullied. Bullying, by definition is, "continuous and ongoing, aggressive behavior targeting an individual by people who are in a perceived or real position of power." No one on the web is in a real or perceived position of power over me. I am confident, educated and know of what I speak. But thanks anyway.
The website I am talking about, but will not share with you because I absolutely do NOT want you to visit the site, posted a video clip from True Detectives (a great show by the way) showing Colin Farrell as an unhinged, alcoholic police detective who visits his non-custodial son at his school to give him a sleeping bag for a camping trip he was going on (that was the week before because he is also a terrible dad) with his mother and stepfather. Upon meeting his son and stepdad at the front of the school, Farrell notices his son is missing his expensive LeBrons that he was given and questions him. When the son is reluctant to share the identity of the bully (research shows it tends to make the bullying worsen because follow through is unlikely), Farrell threatens to pull his pants down and spank him in front of the school and all his schoolmates. So he gets the "bully's" name after humiliating, threatening and coercing his son for the information. I give quotation marks for bully because the kid isn't actually a bully, because it was, by the evidence provided, a one time thing. The kid is a thief and strong arm robber, crimes in and of themselves, but not a bully. The next clip we see is of Farrell visiting the kid's home, knocking on the door and asking to see the kid. His name is Aspen which I think is meant to further cement the idea of privilege and snobbery. While the dad is going to retrieve his son, Farrell puts on brass knuckles and when the men and boy are outside, he beats his father with the brass knuckles while forcing the kid to watch the violence. I commented that, while I realize it is a television show and fictionalized (although news reports and civil court cases are evidence this is ACTUALLY a way that parents deal with their children's bully), it does reflect on my advocacy and research efforts for the past 20 years and I can't let this one pass. Further, the website headlined the clip with the title, "How to deal with bullies" and refers people to its CATALOG of clips that show similar ways to deal with bullies. I commented that this is absolutely NOT the way to deal with bullies - not even mentioning that Aspen isn't, by definition, a bully.
Man, I was raked across broken glass for that comment. The comments were vile, violent, aggressive, disgusting, misogynistic and just ridiculous - not even counting the ones that were off the mark when they said that, "it's fictional dumb ass" even though I had clearly prefaced my comments by saying that very thing. Analyzing, which I do, and categorizing the comments, I came to a conclusion that inspired this post. Children are not our Mini-Mes and should not be treated as such and when we begin to modify our parenting to realize that fact, the better our parenting skills will be and the better off our children will be (and the more myths of bullying will be dispelled).
It is adorable to point to our children's behavior and deconstruct their evolution to some behavior that we as parents display and tell people, "yeah, they are my little Mini-Me." But children's psychological, socio-emotional and behavioral development is more complex than that and just doesn't work that way and it was illustrated, and misconstrued, by the characters in the scenario. Let me explain by using the scenario and dispelling some of the myths of parenting AND bullying.
1. The Farrell character believes that he has taught his son how to fight back against bullies and therefore, he should respond that way when bullied. That is wrong on a couple different fronts: 1) Just because we TEACH something, doesn't mean your child learns it, or learns it the way you intended. This fallacy reflects Piaget and the construction of knowledge. You can explicitly teach your children lots of things but the way they interpret, construct and re-construct their understanding of the world and their worldview (Piaget calls it schema) is subjective and there is really no way of knowing how your child processes the lesson (that's why teachers have valid, reliable assessments, usually performance-oriented). 2) Farrell and the commenters, are under the false belief that Aspen's dad taught, or even condones, his bullying behavior. Statistics, studies, show that parents are OFTEN unaware of their child's behavior. And most parents know this fact intuitively because the child we have at home acts differently in different environments. Coincidentally, so do adults. I cannot count the number of times a teacher will tell me about something that one of my sons did in class and I think, "weird, they don't do that at home" and vice versa.
2. Children behave differently and are influenced by different stimuli at different times in their lives. I am using Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development to explain this idea. Erikson believed that people move through various stages of development during which they resolve crises that help influence the way they move through the next stage. For example, the very first stage is trust versus mistrust during which an individual will lay a foundation of trust that their caregivers will meet their needs that will be a lens through which they see the rest of their lives. Think about it for a second, if you are an adult and some crisis befalls you and you need guidance, you might go to a stranger but it is more likely you will look for support in someone you trust - often your longest friendships or even more likely, a parent and EVEN more likely, your mom. For most people, their mother was their first experience with looking for, and receiving, support from another person. It may be Freudian in its influence but people often look for someone in a mate during early adulthood that reflects the mannerisms, worldview or practices shared by their primary caregiver. A man might look for a woman with qualities like their mother or a woman might look for a man who shares qualities with their father. Freud labeled it the Oedipal Complex or Elektra Complex but it just makes sense. The main contradiction is the opposite of that right? If you had a terrible experience with your mother's parenting style, you might "rebel" and find someone qualitatively different than your mother but that is less common. Erikson would suggest that, even though a parent or caregiver is teaching the 9 year old lessons, the child more often looks to their peer group for influence. That is frustrating but think about it - this is when parents are very concerned about the friends their children are hanging out with and the kinds of influences their child is experiencing. NOW, a child's experiences moving through the previous stages of Erikson's stages also influence the child's construction of knowledge and resolution of the crises in those stages. So, it is likely that Aspen is responding to the influence of other kids rather than the explicit teaching for OR AGAINST bullying behavior by the father. Beating the father senseless is misguided because the father might not even know his son is behaving in such a heinous way (not to mention, statistically it is likely that Aspen is being abused somewhere [at home, at school, somewhere] so watching his father be beaten or even being beaten and threatened himself would just re-affirm what he already knows, might makes right.
In conclusion, children are not carbon copies of the parents who made them. They have their own likes, dislikes, ways of constructing and reconstructing their worldview and understanding of the world and picking the things they learn from the lessons we teach at different times in their development in different environments. They are their own person. It actually speaks to how important it is to be active in your child's life so that you can navigate how they are perceiving the world and moving through it as they grow. Talk with their teacher(s), friends, coaches and pay attention to what and how you teach them life lessons and ask how they are understanding them and incorporating them into their lives. Finally, also a word to the people who are so vile, angry and aggressive online. Relax and realize that people who are violent are often taught how to be violent. Despite what you might think, the aggression and violence and anger with which you walk through the world influences YOUR children, other children and other adults. Choose to be civil and constructive and maybe the world can become a more civil place.
Recently, I have been putting myself out there regarding issues written about and commented on by people on Twitter, Facebook and websites. I am shocked by the vitriolic responses by people when you say something that they don't like - and no, not just men, women are almost as vile, angry and aggressive. I suppose it is the safety of internet anonymity. Nevertheless, about two weeks ago the opportunity to respond to a website's posting of a video on Facebook prompted an exchange that made me bluntly aware of what people go through - especially those who do it as a profession. I will say this, if I were a tween, or vulnerable teen or adult and was fed this heaping helping of anger, hate and violence, I might be depressed, saddened and feel threatened. But I'm not. Further, among the commenters on this page, came people criticizing the violent people saying they are "bullies" talking about how to deal with "bullies" which is hypocritical. Let me say clearly, by definition, I am not bullied. Bullying, by definition is, "continuous and ongoing, aggressive behavior targeting an individual by people who are in a perceived or real position of power." No one on the web is in a real or perceived position of power over me. I am confident, educated and know of what I speak. But thanks anyway.
The website I am talking about, but will not share with you because I absolutely do NOT want you to visit the site, posted a video clip from True Detectives (a great show by the way) showing Colin Farrell as an unhinged, alcoholic police detective who visits his non-custodial son at his school to give him a sleeping bag for a camping trip he was going on (that was the week before because he is also a terrible dad) with his mother and stepfather. Upon meeting his son and stepdad at the front of the school, Farrell notices his son is missing his expensive LeBrons that he was given and questions him. When the son is reluctant to share the identity of the bully (research shows it tends to make the bullying worsen because follow through is unlikely), Farrell threatens to pull his pants down and spank him in front of the school and all his schoolmates. So he gets the "bully's" name after humiliating, threatening and coercing his son for the information. I give quotation marks for bully because the kid isn't actually a bully, because it was, by the evidence provided, a one time thing. The kid is a thief and strong arm robber, crimes in and of themselves, but not a bully. The next clip we see is of Farrell visiting the kid's home, knocking on the door and asking to see the kid. His name is Aspen which I think is meant to further cement the idea of privilege and snobbery. While the dad is going to retrieve his son, Farrell puts on brass knuckles and when the men and boy are outside, he beats his father with the brass knuckles while forcing the kid to watch the violence. I commented that, while I realize it is a television show and fictionalized (although news reports and civil court cases are evidence this is ACTUALLY a way that parents deal with their children's bully), it does reflect on my advocacy and research efforts for the past 20 years and I can't let this one pass. Further, the website headlined the clip with the title, "How to deal with bullies" and refers people to its CATALOG of clips that show similar ways to deal with bullies. I commented that this is absolutely NOT the way to deal with bullies - not even mentioning that Aspen isn't, by definition, a bully.
Man, I was raked across broken glass for that comment. The comments were vile, violent, aggressive, disgusting, misogynistic and just ridiculous - not even counting the ones that were off the mark when they said that, "it's fictional dumb ass" even though I had clearly prefaced my comments by saying that very thing. Analyzing, which I do, and categorizing the comments, I came to a conclusion that inspired this post. Children are not our Mini-Mes and should not be treated as such and when we begin to modify our parenting to realize that fact, the better our parenting skills will be and the better off our children will be (and the more myths of bullying will be dispelled).
It is adorable to point to our children's behavior and deconstruct their evolution to some behavior that we as parents display and tell people, "yeah, they are my little Mini-Me." But children's psychological, socio-emotional and behavioral development is more complex than that and just doesn't work that way and it was illustrated, and misconstrued, by the characters in the scenario. Let me explain by using the scenario and dispelling some of the myths of parenting AND bullying.
1. The Farrell character believes that he has taught his son how to fight back against bullies and therefore, he should respond that way when bullied. That is wrong on a couple different fronts: 1) Just because we TEACH something, doesn't mean your child learns it, or learns it the way you intended. This fallacy reflects Piaget and the construction of knowledge. You can explicitly teach your children lots of things but the way they interpret, construct and re-construct their understanding of the world and their worldview (Piaget calls it schema) is subjective and there is really no way of knowing how your child processes the lesson (that's why teachers have valid, reliable assessments, usually performance-oriented). 2) Farrell and the commenters, are under the false belief that Aspen's dad taught, or even condones, his bullying behavior. Statistics, studies, show that parents are OFTEN unaware of their child's behavior. And most parents know this fact intuitively because the child we have at home acts differently in different environments. Coincidentally, so do adults. I cannot count the number of times a teacher will tell me about something that one of my sons did in class and I think, "weird, they don't do that at home" and vice versa.
2. Children behave differently and are influenced by different stimuli at different times in their lives. I am using Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development to explain this idea. Erikson believed that people move through various stages of development during which they resolve crises that help influence the way they move through the next stage. For example, the very first stage is trust versus mistrust during which an individual will lay a foundation of trust that their caregivers will meet their needs that will be a lens through which they see the rest of their lives. Think about it for a second, if you are an adult and some crisis befalls you and you need guidance, you might go to a stranger but it is more likely you will look for support in someone you trust - often your longest friendships or even more likely, a parent and EVEN more likely, your mom. For most people, their mother was their first experience with looking for, and receiving, support from another person. It may be Freudian in its influence but people often look for someone in a mate during early adulthood that reflects the mannerisms, worldview or practices shared by their primary caregiver. A man might look for a woman with qualities like their mother or a woman might look for a man who shares qualities with their father. Freud labeled it the Oedipal Complex or Elektra Complex but it just makes sense. The main contradiction is the opposite of that right? If you had a terrible experience with your mother's parenting style, you might "rebel" and find someone qualitatively different than your mother but that is less common. Erikson would suggest that, even though a parent or caregiver is teaching the 9 year old lessons, the child more often looks to their peer group for influence. That is frustrating but think about it - this is when parents are very concerned about the friends their children are hanging out with and the kinds of influences their child is experiencing. NOW, a child's experiences moving through the previous stages of Erikson's stages also influence the child's construction of knowledge and resolution of the crises in those stages. So, it is likely that Aspen is responding to the influence of other kids rather than the explicit teaching for OR AGAINST bullying behavior by the father. Beating the father senseless is misguided because the father might not even know his son is behaving in such a heinous way (not to mention, statistically it is likely that Aspen is being abused somewhere [at home, at school, somewhere] so watching his father be beaten or even being beaten and threatened himself would just re-affirm what he already knows, might makes right.
In conclusion, children are not carbon copies of the parents who made them. They have their own likes, dislikes, ways of constructing and reconstructing their worldview and understanding of the world and picking the things they learn from the lessons we teach at different times in their development in different environments. They are their own person. It actually speaks to how important it is to be active in your child's life so that you can navigate how they are perceiving the world and moving through it as they grow. Talk with their teacher(s), friends, coaches and pay attention to what and how you teach them life lessons and ask how they are understanding them and incorporating them into their lives. Finally, also a word to the people who are so vile, angry and aggressive online. Relax and realize that people who are violent are often taught how to be violent. Despite what you might think, the aggression and violence and anger with which you walk through the world influences YOUR children, other children and other adults. Choose to be civil and constructive and maybe the world can become a more civil place.