The Role of Parents
Parents are important in the overall view of bullying. But first, a few little thoughts about parents and bullying. According to my personal research, many adults, even teachers, believe that bullying is a part of life and many of the adult respondents in my study, Adults and the Long Term Effects of Bullying (upcoming), bullying has made them stronger. I disagree with that conclusion. Personally, I believe the folks who say being bullied has made them stronger have found a way to compensate for the pain and the shame of being a bully-target and the realization that one has been affected by it into their adulthood, but that is another blog post on another day. Even in adults educated in psychology, the idea that events in your childhood qualitatively affect your behavior in adulthood confirms the psychoanalytic theories of Freud and Erikson and people are just hesitant to do that, it seems. But, in my experience, their theories are confirmed virtually every day. Furthering that point, let me outline what I will be presenting in this essay: Modeling, Open dialogue and taking an active role in your child's life.
First, however, let me refresh your memory with the definition of peer victimization (bullying). Olweus, the Father of bullying research has developed a definition that is the one accepted most widely and internationally. Bullying is, "the unwanted negative actions by a person, repeated over time and with a real or perceived power differential between the individuals".
Modeling
One transitional bridge between the opening paragraph and this one is the role of parents as models for behavior and their early life experience and this hypothesis: parents are a child's first experience with bullying [I know, but let me explain]. A few years ago, I had a student come to me after class and offered this question, "Based on this definition, wouldn't parents be considered bullies"? Good question. Let me use that anecdote to begin this section with an old adage in teaching, you teach the way you were taught. So, all things being equal, if you were fond of direct instruction and total control by your favorite teachers, chances are, you'll become that kind of teacher. It doesn't mean you can't be more collaborative with your students, it just means you are MOST comfortable in classrooms where you have authoritarian control. By analogy, you will most likely parent the way you were parented. It stands to reason, after all, it is called the "cycle of abuse." But parents need to recognize that some of their behaviors and interaction with their children might not be in the child's best interests [even if , at the time, we think they are]. So how does a parent model non-bully behavior? Let's review the criteria for whether a parent-child relationship is a bullying one:
1. Unwanted negative actions. That almost defines a parent's job. If we just let our children do what they want, then there are so many boundaries and safety issues sure to arise. But a non-bullying approach is to allow the child a voice. It doesn't mean the child will make the decision but I have noticed even with my own son, if I take a couple [sometimes a few] minutes to let him speak his mind about something I have directed him to do - he will often do it. It is frustrating sometimes to explain why he needs to put his shoes up in his room, but if I let him tell me what a drag it is to have to go upstairs and put them on every time we go somewhere, maybe I change my mind, or maybe I just don't want shoes all over the house and we can compromise, or he just does what I say. Regardless, he got to say his peace. The point is, I try to do what is in his best interests and usually it ends peacefully. Nevertheless, it is unwanted actions, but the intent is what matters. I am not intending to terrorize, I am trying to teach responsibility, boundaries and personal habits that are best for him. Maybe a bully is teaching the target how to avoid getting terrorized, but that's sociopathic. A child, however, might still see the parent as a bully.
2. Repeated over time. I'd say a childhood length of time is a period of time, with effects that last and help shape adulthood. So when it comes to this criterion, I'd say my student had a point. My argument is that, unlike a typical bully, a parent, for the most part, has a myriad of positive, loving, compassionate and empathetic instances that counterbalance any negative interactions. In fact, James Garbarino, another wonderful resource for children and violence, has talked about risk factors and buffering factors. He counts parents as buffering factors. As do I, but again, using control and authoritarian parenting style as the main mode of parenting can result in a a child feeling victimized, not given a voice and possibly, long term negative effects. I won't repeat it all here but there are lots of new studies showing the harmful effects of spanking (lower IQ, lower self-esteem, lower self-confidence) and yelling (same effects as spanking as well as being deaf to tones that aren't yelling - in other words, they have difficulty determining whether or not you are directing them to do something if it isn't in a yelling tone of voice. Additionally, I have read that children who are routinely yelled at and criticized develop a sort of post traumatic stress disorder and have uncontrollable emotional responses to ANYONE yelling at them).
3. A real or perceived power differential. This is certainly true. I get to drive, eat what I want when I want and even buy the food I eat. I can change the channel if I want to and there is little a child can do other than grouse a little and maybe throw a fit but then I can pick them up and get them out of the room. Here is where the authoritative parenting comes in and, like I shared before, giving the child a voice. It doesn't mean they will make the ultimate decision, but giving them a voice has many outcomes that can help them later on whether they are bullied or a bystander (it would be unusual to have a child who is a bully from an authoritative parenting household and I will explain why). Parents have more power than their children. It is real and it is perceived. But what a parent can model is empathy. Studies suggest that empathy might be the key to intervention, avoiding and even preventing peer victimization (bullying) because one key component to a bullying event is that the bully is not feeling the other person's pain at the time. It may be because the bully is being victimized themselves so they are spreading the pain but it is more likely that the child isn't connecting how their behavior is making someone else feel because they no longer feel that pain. If you come from a home where you are bullied and abused, it is very likely you start to become numb to the abuse or feel like it is the way life is and accept it and therefore can't feel or understand the pain you are causing in someone else. Whatever the case may be, empathy is the key and parents are vital to modeling the behavior. Here is the other outcome for this, my son knows he has a voice in decisions that affect him and the family. He uses his voice so I feel confident that he won't let anyone push him around. Alfie Kohn wrote a wonderful article for the journal, Educational Leadership, in which he wrote about raising a defiant child. I want my son to question. If a teacher says something is a fact, if it doesn't sound right - I want him to question it. That will hopefully translate to peers and the propositions they might suggest - if it doesn't feel right to him, I encourage him to question and not go along just to get along. But empathy also goes along with that understanding, if the proposition his friends are suggesting might hurt someone else, I want him to be empathetic. I want him to think about others and how they are affected by his decisions. It won't necessarily happen when he is five and developmentally he is still egocentric, but when he is 9, 10, in high school. That empathy will enable him to be a bystander who steps in. They are the key in stopping bullying. It only takes one person but we know from research, after one steps in others will follow.
Open Dialogue
Empathy is modeled during our interactions with our children as well. The part that those interactions play in preventing bullying is that when children can take a breath and talk about their feelings without barriers, it can help them defuse a situation by equipping them with the skills to express their feelings and be patient with others. Another key about open dialogue is that, as recent headlines have made painfully aware, being a target of bullying is often a shame that children keep to themselves because they might not feel safe in telling a parent, let alone a teacher. But, we have to let our children know they can come and tell us anything. But that habit, that openness, starts very young - you can't all of a sudden be an active listener when they turn 13 and are at the age when bullying is the most vicious, loaded with social hierarchy baggage and mostly unseen - if you haven't been one for the first 13 years. Open dialogue where your child can tell you what is happening in school is the way to contribute to the end of bullying. Research suggests talking with your middle schooler while doing something they like [NOT ELECTRONICS - no not even play video games with them] but playing catch, or having some coffee or something that gets them comfortable with you. Then ask nonchalantly, and without judgment [the hardest part i would imagine] how are things in school? Are you getting along with everyone? anyone you're having problems with? are there classmates who seem to be kind of aggressive? and things like that...get them to talk casually. A friend once told me to get a woman to think a date went well, have them talk about themselves. This is another instance where you want your child to talk so limit the number of Yes/No questions and more of the open ended ones. This will stoke the fires of conversation and remember, no judgment, no solution finding (my personal problem), just listen. If anything, guide them to their own solutions and discuss the viability of them in solving their own problem. This will model empathy and will also open the door to your adolescent and their problems.
Taking Part in your Child's Life
This goes along with open dialogue. When you listen and know what is happening in your child's life, the more likely it is they will share more of it with you. But it doesn't stop there. Bullying happens in the nooks and crannies of a school. Volunteer or be the volunteer coordinator for parents who want to come and be in those nooks and crannies. The bathrooms, back hallways, locker rooms, and that part of the playground that the wall blocks - those are the places where bullying happens. Is it glamorous to be the parent who intervenes? Maybe not, but being the one who stops violent behavior and terror on the playground is much more rewarding. Paid playground monitors are not enough, some schools have 100 children on the playground during a mixed recess and that's just too many kids for 8 or so monitors. Be a volunteer, sit in that nook or cranny and be aware. I think my son likes it when his friends say, "your dad is coming on the field trip?" and comments about me being in school with them - but that's okay. His teachers talk to me, know that I will be asking how his day went and holding him and them accountable for giving him a safe learning environment. Yes, I am THAT dad for any teachers or administrators who read this. Just this past term, my son got into it with another child and they both went to the principal's office. I made an appointment and asked about the incident and then held everyone, including my son, but also including the administrator's visit with the other child's parent(s) accountable. If the other child and my son are oil and water - then I tell him to avoid that child and then that becomes, and it did become, the focus. At the very least, my son knew that I talk to the people in his school. He isn't alone, and I will fight for him.
In conclusion, this essay has been about a parent's role in ending or preventing bullying. And to my former student's question, I am not sure if a parent is the child's first bully. I might give my son unwanted and, maybe in his mind, negative, actions, over a period of time and there is a power differential, but always with his best interests in mind and like the saying goes, "context is everything."
First, however, let me refresh your memory with the definition of peer victimization (bullying). Olweus, the Father of bullying research has developed a definition that is the one accepted most widely and internationally. Bullying is, "the unwanted negative actions by a person, repeated over time and with a real or perceived power differential between the individuals".
Modeling
One transitional bridge between the opening paragraph and this one is the role of parents as models for behavior and their early life experience and this hypothesis: parents are a child's first experience with bullying [I know, but let me explain]. A few years ago, I had a student come to me after class and offered this question, "Based on this definition, wouldn't parents be considered bullies"? Good question. Let me use that anecdote to begin this section with an old adage in teaching, you teach the way you were taught. So, all things being equal, if you were fond of direct instruction and total control by your favorite teachers, chances are, you'll become that kind of teacher. It doesn't mean you can't be more collaborative with your students, it just means you are MOST comfortable in classrooms where you have authoritarian control. By analogy, you will most likely parent the way you were parented. It stands to reason, after all, it is called the "cycle of abuse." But parents need to recognize that some of their behaviors and interaction with their children might not be in the child's best interests [even if , at the time, we think they are]. So how does a parent model non-bully behavior? Let's review the criteria for whether a parent-child relationship is a bullying one:
1. Unwanted negative actions. That almost defines a parent's job. If we just let our children do what they want, then there are so many boundaries and safety issues sure to arise. But a non-bullying approach is to allow the child a voice. It doesn't mean the child will make the decision but I have noticed even with my own son, if I take a couple [sometimes a few] minutes to let him speak his mind about something I have directed him to do - he will often do it. It is frustrating sometimes to explain why he needs to put his shoes up in his room, but if I let him tell me what a drag it is to have to go upstairs and put them on every time we go somewhere, maybe I change my mind, or maybe I just don't want shoes all over the house and we can compromise, or he just does what I say. Regardless, he got to say his peace. The point is, I try to do what is in his best interests and usually it ends peacefully. Nevertheless, it is unwanted actions, but the intent is what matters. I am not intending to terrorize, I am trying to teach responsibility, boundaries and personal habits that are best for him. Maybe a bully is teaching the target how to avoid getting terrorized, but that's sociopathic. A child, however, might still see the parent as a bully.
2. Repeated over time. I'd say a childhood length of time is a period of time, with effects that last and help shape adulthood. So when it comes to this criterion, I'd say my student had a point. My argument is that, unlike a typical bully, a parent, for the most part, has a myriad of positive, loving, compassionate and empathetic instances that counterbalance any negative interactions. In fact, James Garbarino, another wonderful resource for children and violence, has talked about risk factors and buffering factors. He counts parents as buffering factors. As do I, but again, using control and authoritarian parenting style as the main mode of parenting can result in a a child feeling victimized, not given a voice and possibly, long term negative effects. I won't repeat it all here but there are lots of new studies showing the harmful effects of spanking (lower IQ, lower self-esteem, lower self-confidence) and yelling (same effects as spanking as well as being deaf to tones that aren't yelling - in other words, they have difficulty determining whether or not you are directing them to do something if it isn't in a yelling tone of voice. Additionally, I have read that children who are routinely yelled at and criticized develop a sort of post traumatic stress disorder and have uncontrollable emotional responses to ANYONE yelling at them).
3. A real or perceived power differential. This is certainly true. I get to drive, eat what I want when I want and even buy the food I eat. I can change the channel if I want to and there is little a child can do other than grouse a little and maybe throw a fit but then I can pick them up and get them out of the room. Here is where the authoritative parenting comes in and, like I shared before, giving the child a voice. It doesn't mean they will make the ultimate decision, but giving them a voice has many outcomes that can help them later on whether they are bullied or a bystander (it would be unusual to have a child who is a bully from an authoritative parenting household and I will explain why). Parents have more power than their children. It is real and it is perceived. But what a parent can model is empathy. Studies suggest that empathy might be the key to intervention, avoiding and even preventing peer victimization (bullying) because one key component to a bullying event is that the bully is not feeling the other person's pain at the time. It may be because the bully is being victimized themselves so they are spreading the pain but it is more likely that the child isn't connecting how their behavior is making someone else feel because they no longer feel that pain. If you come from a home where you are bullied and abused, it is very likely you start to become numb to the abuse or feel like it is the way life is and accept it and therefore can't feel or understand the pain you are causing in someone else. Whatever the case may be, empathy is the key and parents are vital to modeling the behavior. Here is the other outcome for this, my son knows he has a voice in decisions that affect him and the family. He uses his voice so I feel confident that he won't let anyone push him around. Alfie Kohn wrote a wonderful article for the journal, Educational Leadership, in which he wrote about raising a defiant child. I want my son to question. If a teacher says something is a fact, if it doesn't sound right - I want him to question it. That will hopefully translate to peers and the propositions they might suggest - if it doesn't feel right to him, I encourage him to question and not go along just to get along. But empathy also goes along with that understanding, if the proposition his friends are suggesting might hurt someone else, I want him to be empathetic. I want him to think about others and how they are affected by his decisions. It won't necessarily happen when he is five and developmentally he is still egocentric, but when he is 9, 10, in high school. That empathy will enable him to be a bystander who steps in. They are the key in stopping bullying. It only takes one person but we know from research, after one steps in others will follow.
Open Dialogue
Empathy is modeled during our interactions with our children as well. The part that those interactions play in preventing bullying is that when children can take a breath and talk about their feelings without barriers, it can help them defuse a situation by equipping them with the skills to express their feelings and be patient with others. Another key about open dialogue is that, as recent headlines have made painfully aware, being a target of bullying is often a shame that children keep to themselves because they might not feel safe in telling a parent, let alone a teacher. But, we have to let our children know they can come and tell us anything. But that habit, that openness, starts very young - you can't all of a sudden be an active listener when they turn 13 and are at the age when bullying is the most vicious, loaded with social hierarchy baggage and mostly unseen - if you haven't been one for the first 13 years. Open dialogue where your child can tell you what is happening in school is the way to contribute to the end of bullying. Research suggests talking with your middle schooler while doing something they like [NOT ELECTRONICS - no not even play video games with them] but playing catch, or having some coffee or something that gets them comfortable with you. Then ask nonchalantly, and without judgment [the hardest part i would imagine] how are things in school? Are you getting along with everyone? anyone you're having problems with? are there classmates who seem to be kind of aggressive? and things like that...get them to talk casually. A friend once told me to get a woman to think a date went well, have them talk about themselves. This is another instance where you want your child to talk so limit the number of Yes/No questions and more of the open ended ones. This will stoke the fires of conversation and remember, no judgment, no solution finding (my personal problem), just listen. If anything, guide them to their own solutions and discuss the viability of them in solving their own problem. This will model empathy and will also open the door to your adolescent and their problems.
Taking Part in your Child's Life
This goes along with open dialogue. When you listen and know what is happening in your child's life, the more likely it is they will share more of it with you. But it doesn't stop there. Bullying happens in the nooks and crannies of a school. Volunteer or be the volunteer coordinator for parents who want to come and be in those nooks and crannies. The bathrooms, back hallways, locker rooms, and that part of the playground that the wall blocks - those are the places where bullying happens. Is it glamorous to be the parent who intervenes? Maybe not, but being the one who stops violent behavior and terror on the playground is much more rewarding. Paid playground monitors are not enough, some schools have 100 children on the playground during a mixed recess and that's just too many kids for 8 or so monitors. Be a volunteer, sit in that nook or cranny and be aware. I think my son likes it when his friends say, "your dad is coming on the field trip?" and comments about me being in school with them - but that's okay. His teachers talk to me, know that I will be asking how his day went and holding him and them accountable for giving him a safe learning environment. Yes, I am THAT dad for any teachers or administrators who read this. Just this past term, my son got into it with another child and they both went to the principal's office. I made an appointment and asked about the incident and then held everyone, including my son, but also including the administrator's visit with the other child's parent(s) accountable. If the other child and my son are oil and water - then I tell him to avoid that child and then that becomes, and it did become, the focus. At the very least, my son knew that I talk to the people in his school. He isn't alone, and I will fight for him.
In conclusion, this essay has been about a parent's role in ending or preventing bullying. And to my former student's question, I am not sure if a parent is the child's first bully. I might give my son unwanted and, maybe in his mind, negative, actions, over a period of time and there is a power differential, but always with his best interests in mind and like the saying goes, "context is everything."