The past few years we have seen a consistent number of young teens,
especially girls, committing suicide after suffering consistent bullying from
peers. Sometimes it comes as a result of behavior on the teen’s part, but this
essay is not about victim-blaming. It is, however, some suggestions based on the
work of Erik Erikson and his ideas on human development that might help young
people get through the juggernaut that is middle and high school social life.



Erikson and psychosocial development


Erik Erikson believed in the influence of one’s surrounding on their human development. He believed that we resolve crises based on how we pass
through those stages of development. I have a pretty solid, albeit not comprehensive, knowledge of Erikson’s perspective and surmise that we did not pass through them once and then forever and always our crisis in this area of
  development is over; rather, we continue to move through them and resolve them throughout our lifetime.


Trust versus Mistrust


Erikson believed that as infants we look to our caregivers for support
and for meeting our needs. Those needs can be emotional or even more basically, food, trauma, basic help and so forth. The individual develops a sense of trust that a caregiver will come to their aid. For the teen, it is the basis for
trusting those around them to meet their needs. Parents must ensure that they
have established a strong foundation for being there unconditionally for their
children early so when it comes time to share their most vulnerable events –
when they are being picked on – they feel they can come and talk to their
caregiver.


Autonomy versus Self-Doubt


This stage begins at about 2/3 years of age. There is a reason why some
children become ornery at this age. Imagine having all these wants and ideas and opinions but caregivers aren’t always prepared to fulfill those wants and needs and certainly cannot entertain all the opinions of a three year old. However, giving selections from which the child can choose will instill the idea that they can make their own decisions and think about their choices. 
If their choices are always made for them or they are consistently
corrected for their choices, a sense of self-doubt develops and, later on in
their childhood, the teen will doubt themselves, their judgment and their
choices – and possibly look to others to make choices for them. The child who is
allowed to make choices herself and can count on the caregiver to be there,
without judgment, to support her through the bumps and bruises of bad choices
will develop a sense of strength and not be easily led astray. 



Initiative versus guilt


At 3-5 years of age, after successfully resolving the autonomy crisis,
the child takes the initiative and makes decisions on his own. The caregiver can
reinforce this behavior by providing instances where choice can be made and then acknowledging and valuing the decision made by the child. However, if the child is made to feel bad about making decisions on his own, a sense of guilt and
doubt can result. For the teen, this stage sets the foundation for being given
opportunities to make decisions and then having those decisions respected and
rewarded with acknowledgement and praise. They won’t always make the right
decisions but that is why we have established a sense of trust in the child
early so that guidance and re-direction aren’t seen as criticism but rather,
wisdom out of a place of love and support. Having initiative might ensure that
the teen will make their own decisions and not be led by others into negative
behavior. It also means that the teen will not be made to feel guilty over
decisions, good or bad, that they have made because they are the ones who made them and will stand behind them. This stance also instills in the teen that the decisions they make will be decisions for which they will be held accountable. 
 
Industry versus inferiority


Some students who have been in psychology courses with me have
identified this stage as the most important in developing a healthy adult. I am
on the undecided – I think they are all equally important – but I appreciate
their logic. If you feel like you have the support of a caregiver and they
create an environment where you can make decisions on your own and those
decisions are honored and valued, then you are more likely to make decisions on
your own and feel confident in them. Whether it is being pressured into sex or
teased relentlessly, the child who feels supported, makes decisions on their own
using common sense and stands behind those decisions and actually makes
decisions that might not be popular because they feel strong in their choice, is
more likely to withstand bullying – even cyber bullying for which there seems to
be no safe place to hide. The child who is made to feel bad about the choices
they have made, including statements like – “see, I told you so. Just do what I
say and it will be fine”- will feel inferior and not make their own decisions
and certainly will not stand behind the decisions they make.



Identity versus Role Confusion


Here is the crucial time for teens. At this stage in Erikson’s model,
the individual develops a sense of who they are, or they resolve the crisis
negatively and do not establish the kind of person they are going to be and may
flounder for a while. But that is the crux of the decision. Those who flounder
may very well be led astray because they have no sense of who they are and what they believe in so they may not base their decisions on a sense of integrity to their character but more so to the character for which they are receiving
attention.



What this means for the teens who are being bullied or, especially,
young ladies who are bullied and feel there is no way out is this: we have to
instill in them from a very early age that they can come to us for anything and
we will listen without judgment and not undervalue their perspective. I have
personally heard parents say that their teen is “so dramatic.” That may very
well be true but that is the level at which they are thinking. This belief has
been referred to as the adolescent fairy tale and adolescent egocentrism when
they cannot understand why their caregivers cannot see how important and life
changing an issue is to them. I recall a scene in, The Breakfast Club, when the
group is in a circle and Allison (the head case) tells the group that, “it’s
inevitable. When we grow up, our hearts die.”


Bu we also need to teach our children to take criticism and harassment
with a grain of salt. I have an adage that some might argue isn’t worth even a
grain of salt but I believe it is true. There is a reason why I don’t get upset
if someone bets me to the basket when playing basketball, or steps on my shoes
on the Max or even says bad things about me or “my mom.” Because I don’t need your respect – I bring my own. The reason my students do what is expected isn’t their respect for me personally, it is because they will not pass the class if they do not do the things that the University and the state of Oregon have
decided they need to do to demonstrate their proficiency. And I don’t treat them
with respect because they have “earned it” – it is because I understand for my
students to do well I need to create a plan, teach to that plan and then assess
fairly to determine if they have retained enough to meet the aforementioned
state and university standards. I play a small but important role in
facilitating that progress but I don’t need my students to “respect” me.



Having said that, I hope my son won’t be misguided by “friends” or
harangued to the point of giving up because he longs for their respect. He has
his own and he will have strength of character and pride in himself and his
family that will surpass any hurtful names or pernicious gossip that may be
headed his way.  When I was I high school, there was a rumor I was gay because the clothes I wore were hand-me-downs and sometimes quite tight. 
If I didn’t have a family who loved me, a small circle of real friends
  and pride in myself – it may have hurt me greatly. This was early 80’s and we
  didn’t have LGBT communities and pride groups on campuses – if you were gay, good luck.


If he is maligned for whatever life choices he makes, he will have the
strength of character and support of his parents to stand behind his decisions.
That seems to be a common thread among several of the young ladies who have made bad choices and then were shamed or embarrassed by their school chums’ response. Liam won’t be. He will own his decision and stand behind it. But he won’t stand alone. I wonder how many of the young ladies especially didn’t go to their families because they didn’t think they could. 
 

I don’t have all the answers; not even sure the answers I have are the
right ones. But I know that the tragedy that unfolds day after day needs lots of
voices to chime in so that we can have a discussion and solve the problem as
best we can.


 

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/19/11289813-42-million-settlement-for-student-paralyzed-by-bully?lite&GT1=43001

    My hope is that you wont be sure if I am serious or not by using that title. I am serious. Believe me when I tell you that this case and the young man involved are going to be a pivotal turn in the abolition of bullying and peer victimization. It doesnt matter in the least that the district, "[makes] no admission by the Board or by any of its employees of a violation of any law or duty owed to the Plaintiffs..." Or that they will never get a dime from the actual bully. The repercussions are going to sound all over the country.

    This case will be the precedent for future civil and criminal cases against school districts and the families of bullies. Provided you are willing to take a beating to document the victimization you are suffering at the hands of a brazen bully and an apathetic school (and district).

    Sawyer had written emails [good thinking Sawyer] advising the school and administration that the harassment was continuing and in one email told the administrator that it was getting worse and asked the person for coping strategies for dealing with the bully (pretty good terminology if it wasnt his parents). Unfortunately, no one did anything of substance and, despite what the "district spokesperson" says, I seriously doubt any policy was enforced because Sawyer and his family have shown that NOTHING CHANGED!

     So one day, the bully punches Sawyer in the stomach - it resulted in a blood clot that moved to his spine - and burst. He is now paralyzed and wheelchair bound. 4.2 million dollars isnt enough if it is my child - but he isnt so they settled. In court, while it would have cost more and you are taking a chance - i think a jury punishes the district very hard. I am guessing the insurance underwriters for the district have a cap and they knew they werent getting anything from the bully's family, so they settled. But they arent ready to settle the advocacy.

     Here is a statement from the defendant:"The board denied allegations that it or its employees had “failed or compromised its responsibility to develop and to implement effective policies and procedures to protect the safety and rights” of the school community, the statement continued, noting that the district "prides itself for the role which it has played in recognizing and developing an awareness of the dangers of bullying, intimidation and harassment in the school setting." 

 

    This is not a case of the district not having a plan in place or a policy forbidding bullying. This is about the enforcement and USE of the policy(ies). This is the situation for a multitude of school districts. A recent survey of principals around the country showed that they report not having the resources, time or training to implement anti bullying policies and practices. This is the sad state when an issue that has been prevalent since people got together in groups is suddenly thrust into the spotlight and catches everyone who has turned their head from the issue are forced to pay attention and FINALLY be held accountable.

    So, good on ya Sawyer - make them pay and maybe they will listen. Though I doubt it!  You will be a news broadcaster and youll be able to hold your head up while the bully may grow up to be successful but has to live with the fact that he inspired you to be even more outspoken - though the cost was dire, the benefit is to society and thats even better than being a millionaire.

:-)

I have been remiss. I just noticed that November has no post - so, maybe today you will get two? Maybe.

Today I read about a Mr. Clemmons. He walked into a coffee shop in Tacoma, Washington as four police officers were completing paperwork before their shift started. He evidently, pulled out a gun and shot all four in cold blood. One officer was able to wound him but was also killed. I mourn the four police officers because they are among our bravest citizens.

The controversy began because Mike Hukkabee (sp?) apparently gave clemency to the perpetrator some years back. Between then and now, the assailant continued to rack up criminal charges of abuse toward police officers, domestic partners and children. I do not bemoan the fact that he was let out of prison. Hukkabee allegedly cited Clemmons' childhood as a reason why he should be granted clemency and released from his 104-year prison sentence for armed robbery. Apparently, he had a tumultuous childhood which resulted in a grown man with little or no empathy. A lack of empathy, or the ability to stand in someone else's shoes and feel what they might feel, is a common characteristic in a traditional bully.

Peer victimization expert Daniel Olweus has described different types of bullies. I am not suggesting to know what kind of bully Clemmons was but one kind of bully is the "bullied bully." This bully is the one who has been bullied him or herself and bullies others to, "get some relief from his own feelings of powerlessness and self-loathing" (Coloroso, 2007, 89).  He has had a long connection with law enforcement, clearly blames them for his circumstances and was actually out on bail, facing charges of assaulting a police officer and sexual abuse of a child (MSN home page, 12/01/09) when the shooting occurred.

I absolutely do NOT blame the Seattle police officer who, when faced with a "cop killer," shot and killed him today. My own brother is a police officer and if it is between him going home to see his wife and sons and some low-life who would take my brother's life, my brother should shoot first and I hope your aim is true! 99 percent of police officers are good, caring, brave men and women who regularly put their lives on the line for total strangers. Having said that, I wish we could have heard from Clemmons. He is not alone in his victimization and role as violent bully. But they can change.

Hukkabee must have known that this man had a violent upbringing and committed interpersonal, violent crimes before granting him clemency. Here is my problem with that decision (and I believe it is standard operating procedure), they just released him with no mandatory ongoing therapy as a condition of release or even delaying his release upon completion of in-custody therapy. Either way, this bully and others like him may not need to be put in prison but they need someone to collaborate with them to work out the issues that have resulted in their identity as a bully.

Our young people are the same way. A large majority of the instances of bullying in schools will occur outside the vision of teachers and paraprofessionals. It happens in the bathroom, between buildings of the school during recess, or in the path to and from school.  Still, when it is obseved, most schools will send a bully to the office without understanding the underlying issues that resulted in the bullying behavior. They are then expelled or punished without any ongoing work to support the bully's development of alternative responses to feelings of inadequacy, superiority, or animosity. Bullying left unexplored in young children can result in adults with unexplored bullying behavior and we have workplace shootings, abusive parents and impulsive interpersonal violence occurring in society.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/215997

What if the people you should turn to for help against bullies, ARE the bullies? That's the dilemma facing the young man in the featured article from Newsweek magazine. This brings me to Chapter 5 of my own book-in-process, Golden Nuggets: Ten (or so) things to remember in creating a positive learning environment for children,  it is entitled, "Children are people first, children second and students third." 

In our efforts to guide children in their development, parents, teachers and caregivers often forget that the target of their efforts is a person unto themselves and should be approached as if they are speaking to another adult - not in the same language, but with the same caution and tact used to re-direct a person who can tell them no. Instead, parents and teachers often use force (physical and non-physical), cajoling or manipulation to get obedience.

I have personally heard parents call their children dumb, stupid and "bad;" I have heard teachers compare children to one another and their behavior (for example, "why can't you act more like _______?", putting names on the chalkboard or keeping kids in for recess as punishment); these approaches are inappropriate for one simple reason - one wouldn't use those strategies in dealing with another adult, probably because it wouldn't be very effective. For example, as a college professor, if I did say to a male student that his appreciation for Einstein was related to his "affection for older men"  I would expect to be bounced out the door on my rear end! Whether or not the student is gay, which according to this student he is not, it is an inappropriate comment just as I wouldnt embarrass a female student by saying she has an affection for older men. A joke stops becoming a joke when it is hurtful; and, by definition, when a person with power (teacher) makes comments or jokes like this to someone without or with less power (student), it becomes bullying.

In addition, right or wrong, if that same male teacher made a similar comment to an ordinary joe at Hooters, he would probably eat a fist or at least get into a chestbumping match to prove their masculinity. If the female teacher made that same comment to that same joe, I am sure it would be followed by a retort that alluded to the targets ability to "show her he is a man." In other words, these teachers wouldnt make jokes like these or use these words to a stranger or even to probably MOST of the people in their lives - but it came very easily to them in the classroom setting.  Why is that? Because the teachers COULD say those things without retort by the student? I would be too shocked to reply on the spot. Because they THOUGHT they were being funny? Maybe they should re-evaluate their areas of humor - in this current social environment, being gay has negative consequences - so being wrongly "outed" leaves the person relatively defenseless because he isnt gay so he shouldnt have to dispel the rumor and even if he was, its no ones business so shouldnt have to respond to them.

Gay students, especially male students, represent one of the largest groups of people tormented in high schools. Middle school can be difficult also, as can college but the diversity in college may prevent it from happening on a grand scale but one can imagine it happening among certain "cliques" in college. A male's sexuality can still be an issue in workplaces, just think "dont ask dont tell" policies; but these relationships are different than that of teacher & student.

Teachers can make or break a child's day with a simple cross word or with a smile, hug or handshake. So many teachers I know, and my own study (available via a link on this site, by request or Amazon.com) bore this out, view their classrooms as a haven from the violence, despair and challenges of life.  Teachers are given, and proudly accept, the responsibility of creating a safe, open, accepting environment for all of our children and when that trust is broken - it can be irreparably damaged. This young man had to change schools, stall his academic pursuits and may possibly feel apprehensive about opening up in a classroom discussion for fear of a negative response. That undermines an effective learning environment and definitely has long lasting ill effects on his own learning process.

I encourage all teachers, parents and caregivers to evaluate their own biases and preconceived notions so they can provide a warm, accepting positive learning environment for their children. Short of analyzing and reflecting upon one's own feelings about, for example, homosexuality, I encourage teachers, parents and caregivers to accept the differences in our children's personalities and realize they are not small copies of you - they develop their own likes and dislikes and should be treated with the same level of respect with which you would like to be treated.

In the news recently is the story of the Honors student in Chicago who was beaten to death by a group or gang of people involved in an unrelated-to-him fight. This incident connects to me in a few ways: 1) I abhor violence - especially among children; 2) the condition of inner city/urban environments as positive environments for learning and development for children is abysmal; 3) this is an incident that highlights one of the characteristics of peer victimization (bullying) – it very often occurs when young people are on their way home from, or to, school and finally, 4) it brings up the idea of “street smarts” and that’s going to be the emphasis in this note.

Alfie Kohn wrote a book entitled, What does it mean to be educated? I sat today, pondering the same thing. What does it mean to be educated? In the suburbs and in the media, being educated means being equipped with a high school diploma, then a Bachelor’s degree and in the case of about 1 – 20 percent of the population, according to the federal government’s, State of Education report, a graduate degree. Everyone I knew in my youth had college as a goal, everyone; not just the white kids but everyone. That has changed.

 John Ogbu, James Banks, Sonia Nieto and a few others I have read, suggest that going to college for many young people in the urban/inner city environment (black, white, latino, etc.) isn’t even a reality for them so preparation, visualization and anticipation aren’t part of their future aspirations. It isn’t about the color of their skin it is about their income and the promise of a good education for them. Martin Luther King Jr., in the year, and especially in the months, before his assassination, focused his efforts on those people living in poverty. Ruby Payne also collected information and research about people living in low socioeconomic communities that illustrated that people living in poverty have a different cultural foundation based on cooperation and relationships. For them it isn’t about attaining a “formal” education, it is more or less needs based and living day-to-day. The education that comes from living in an environment where relationships are important, survival is important and knowing how to turn public assistance like food stamps into cash gives one an advantage in the current system. This education could be referred to as, “street smarts.”

 How do I define street smarts?  Sheesh, I imagine it’s difficult so let’s look at current resources. After perusing several sources, street smarts means having an informal, shrewd and cunning knowledge of survival skills in an urban, poverty stricken environment. Interesting definition; there was an associated article asking the question whether or not new MBAs (business administration graduate students) need more street smarts. Do some CEOs already have the street smarts to make it big because some of the same shrewd and cunning skills necessary to survive the streets also make one a good business person? Transactional relationships, an “eye” beyond your current situation, how to read people and a shrewdness to your social interactions may have led to people like Russell Simmons, P. Diddy, Jermaine Dupri, Jay-Z and a few other CEOs-of-color who grew up poor but have reached a level of financial and “power” security they probably didn’t think they could attain when they were struggling. They did it without college degrees although some of them may have gotten a degree later on in their careers. 

What does it mean to be educated when people who have degrees, even graduate degrees, are jobless after being told all throughout their lives that education leads to opportunities? Does education necessarily mean employment? The best candidate seems to be the street smart college graduate. That might mean incorporating the skills developed as one becomes street smart (for example, being more sensitive to “reading” other people) into one’s formal preparation for whatever career they pursue.  This would mean adjusting curriculum to facilitate progress based on the learner’s previous knowledge – even if that knowledge isn’t necessarily valued by the traditional curriculum.  That was the idea behind the Oakland School District’s decision to label black vernacular as a dialect of Standard English, or for Stanford University to develop a culturally biased test called “The Chitlin Test” that asked test takers such minority-focused questions like, “how long do you have to boil collared greens before they are done cooking?”  

This type of strategy is student-centered and focuses on the experiences of the individual student and by incorporating that culturally specific knowledge into the standard curriculum required by schools, each child in your class can meet the expectations of a district and, Heaven forbid, a national standard.  I suppose my conclusion is that being street smart, or not being street smart, should not prevent a child from attaining whatever goals they have in mind. Creative, child-centered teachers can nurture the idea of college in young people because the young person recognizes that the teacher values the knowledge the learner has and supports the idea that this street smart “intelligence” as Gardner might suggest, can improve rather than hinder the aspirations of success in children living in poverty, children of color and traditionally disenfranchised populations.

But this young man did everything right. He earned honors in high school, avoided gangs and gang entanglements; by all accounts (including law enforcement) he was a good son and young man. He even used the street smarts he developed; reportedly, he knew there had been trouble the morning of his death and went home a different way. The melee followed him. They preyed on him; an entire group preyed on him and beat him to death. All of his street smarts didn’t help him; sadly no one helped him until it was too late. 

It would be very easy to focus on all the good things he did, find, arrest and banish the teens who did this but, and all the bully research is moving in this direction, we have to deal with the lack of positive conflict skills in the perpetrators and show them that there is a different way for their lives to proceed. A friend who studies gifted and talented youth once said to me that some of these bullies and disruptors in class are equipped with a gift in leadership.  However, many teachers are apprehensive about arming these students with responsibilities or are worried that they will be rewarding bad behavior. But it isn’t bad behavior – it is good behavior trying desperately to fit in with a classroom environment that doesn’t seem to value their gifts. I’m not saying these brutal teenagers who killed this young man are gifted, or misunderstood – what I AM saying is that there are systemic issues underneath this behavior and they have been ignored, misdiagnosed and under-resourced for so long that their street smarts have become their first tool for dealing with conflict, “disrespect” or anger. This means strike first, deal with the consequences later – and those consequences aren’t even envisioned, just like the possibilities of college.

I guess what I am trying to say is, hope doesn’t just come to you – hope is fostered, nurtured and passed along by individuals. I don’t know how to fix all the problem(s) of Chicago and many other cities like it – but I know that I can pass on hope to those around me who are listening; Sara has nurtured hope in me and I try to continue to build it within myself – I encourage you to nurture hope in those you love.